In 2013, my family and I took a tour of Branson, Missouri. Oh my god, do NOT take a tour of Branson, Missouri. There is a very good reason one of my old cab drivers referred to it as “Mormon Las Vegas”.
The trip could be summed up with three categories: country bumpkin production, comedian telling old people jokes I’ve already heard infinity billion times before, and long rides on a tour bus where the driver really tried to engage the passengers. I, being a super entitled millennial apparently (pretty sure I just barely qualified as Generation X, but I probably read that generational chart wrong), spent most of those rides ignoring the shit out of everybody and listening to Speaker for the Dead on audio book. Say whatever you want about Orscen Scott Card’s politics, but that guy writes some entertaining stories. I wouldn’t say I was bored necessarily, but by the time we were on day two of this five day adventure, I was starting to want to go home.
Strangely, though, one of my fonder memories of the Branson vacation came during one of the breakfasts the tour company was putting on.
The person who ended up sitting next to me was a minister. If I had to guess, based on how he talked about Jesus and the Christian faith, he was probably Southern Baptist. This was going to be fun, hashtag-sarcasm. I smiled and waved my way through the conversation, trying my best not to whip out my calculator and trying to calculate the specific amount of fuck I didn’t give about his ministry… Then, he noticed I was left handed.
“This may surprise you,” he tells me, “but I’m also left handed.”
Well, maybe SURPRISE isn’t the word I’d use, but I suppose it was INTERESTING. Kind of.
“a paster once told me an interesting thing,” he continued. “He told me that the majority of people in the world are right-handed because when we commit our very first sin as human beings, we use our left hand. Which means that the few of us that are left-handed are pure of heart.”
Uh… Huh. That’s actually kind of an interesting outlook on things, I thought for about ten minutes.
Naturally, in the name of politeness, and because this thought hadn’t occurred to me till after we were back on the bus, I kept my theory to myself. However, I eventually came up with a different theory.
I suppose it’s possible that us left-handed folks have yet to commit a sin so bad, it changes us from lefties to righties. However, who’s to say that I didn’t commit that sin already, and used my right hand to do it? You ask me, that’s just as plausible.
By the Southern Baptist definition of “pure of heart”, I’m going to hell. Undeniably, and undisputedly. I cuss like a sailor, I’ve had sex out of wedlock, my favorite band in high school was Cradle of Filth, my favorite band RIGHT NOW is Ghost, I’ve stolen Pepsi bottles off of dorm staff’s desks and put them in other students’ rooms during my second year senior just to see what would happen… I quite drinking alcohol (aside from that incident in July), but I think I’ve drank enough to where it counts. Basically, I look at myself, and don’t think of myself as pure hearted. In fact, that last one with the Pepsi makes me think I might have sociopathy. Or maybe I was just a dick.
It’s possible I’m putting way too much thought into this. I do that sometimes. Really, it’s just something I thought of today at work, and figured I’d share it here.
What do you think?